No catchy title... Just us....

To all our friends who are reading this... We've decided to move our blog back over to our family blog.  Charlie, Chris, and Pastor Dave have done an incredible job of recording Skylar and our family's progress. So many of you have expressed thanks that you can keep up with what is going on from far away.  When these three weren't at the hospital, they were taking my random emails and adding them to the church website. If you get a chance, please thank them.   So I guess we will link one to the other.

Skylar is also posting here so stay tuned for a post specifically from her.  She wanted to update you on her own physical progress from her own perspective.  

These are some of my own random thoughts that have not much to do with her physical progress... Just what's in my head as I spend nights giving meds, days making appointments and filling out paperwork. Meeting therapists.  Long hours at vital records and Social Security.  Juggling kids. House. Bills.  Making time to just be with my kids. And missing my husband.  This is the hard part as all four of us face all of this stuff differently....

We were facing different kinds of trials earlier this summer... Wow. Who knew?  I guess I'm glad I didn't know.  Would I have done things differently? Maybe.  Would I have lived with more fear?  Yes.  The thing is.... I don't have any huge regrets when it comes to my family.  To Karl. Every day we said what we needed to say.  We took trips together as a couple and together as a family.  A long time ago we saw our neighbors save every thing and every dime for retirement. Right after Glen retired he got sick and they couldn't do what they had waited their whole lives to do.  Early on in our marriage Karl and I decided we would find a healthy balance of "live for now like there is no tomorrow" and "prudently plan for the future".  

We did it well.  So well that my heart is broken. My best friend. My confidant. Lover. Biggest fan.  The voice on the other end of my helmet comm. My parenting partner.  The man I dreamed with.  My Uyab.

When we were in Mexico last month I had an epiphany.  I figured out why we clicked.  Stereotypes never mattered to either of us.  He was the first one I ever dated that found my idiosyncrasies endearing.  He didn't care that I was a bit loud and obnoxious.  He never complained that I prefer t shirts and jeans and Converse to heels and miniskirts.  I realized this as I ordered a lbeer and hushed Karl and the kids during the World Cup and he ordered the strawberry margarita and patiently waited until we could leave at half time.  I love motor sports and arena football.  He'd rather go to a concert or have a quiet evening at home.  And it was all ok with both of us.  Neither one of us was threatened.  He found me feminine and attractive no matter my weight or clothing. He never once asked why I didn't girly girl up.  Oh how I pray that same kind of unconditional-nonstereotypical-love for my kids. May they find that same kind of love when it's time.  I know they got a good look at what a love like that looks like.  I pray we showed them what true God given love looks like.  That it's worth waiting for.  

These days are getting harder... The realization of the permanence of life without him is starting to set in.  I'm trying to be thankful that we had more good days than some people have in a lifetime.  I'm just selfish enough to wish they'd gone on a little longer.  

We bit the bullet and went to Blender last night.  That's where we were headed to four weeks ago. It was hard but we also needed to be around our people who love Karl and us.  It was difficult to be in such a "normal routine" of our lives yet know that there was nothing normal about it. As Michelle and I washed dishes, we talked about Job.  About fear.  About bad things happening all around us to those we love.   It's scary. There are no guarantees.  Accidents happen. People get sick and don't get better.  Diagnoses come out crappy.  Michelle reminded me that we can't live in fear all the time.  Right now I do feel fearful. What if I fail my kids? What if I can't do the widow mom thing and they come out warped? What if something now happens to me?  Or one of them?  What if I don't know how to do life without my soulmate?  

What do I have to stand on?  Perfect love casts out fear.  How many times does God tell me not to be afraid.  The ones that I clung to  hard this summer were in Isaiah 41.  In both verse 10 and in verse 13.  One verse says He is holding me with his righteous right hand.  In the other verse he is holding my right hand. yeah...my broken right hand that can't grip anything on its own.   In order to do both, God has to be beside me and in front of me.  In true Mason form, when I hear verses, undoubtedly a VBS song will follow.  This time it's from Crocodile Dock in 2009.  "I will not be afraid. Though troubles out there, night and day. I will not be swamped with fear cuz God is always, always, always here."  Pray that each new dawn will show me that I can still breathe. That He is giving us what we need one moment at a time.  That I don't need to fear what is ahead.  That I can trust that in time I will see how the puzzle fits together in His glorious unfolding.