2015... Yet This I Call To Mind

Lamentations 3:19-23

 I remember my affliction and my wandering,

 the bitterness and the gall.

I well remember them,

    and my soul is downcast within me.

Yet this I call to mind

    and therefore I have hope:

Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed,

    for his compassions never fail.

 

They are new every morning;

    great is your faithfulness.

Sitting in the waiting room for Skylar's 8th surgery.  Yesterday was Christmas.  Talk about switching gears....It's been over a year since our last update.  It was necessary to take a break from sharing so publicly.  We needed time to adjust to things without advertising every little up and down.

Last year we hosted Thanksgiving and it was quite difficult for all of us.  One of Skylar's friends, Andrea, moved in with us the day after Thanksgiving.  Her family had to move to Alabama for work and she needed to finish her senior year.  We put bunk beds up and welcomed her to our new "normal". 

Skylar became a candidate for a Bone Anchored Hearing Assist device made by Cochlear.  She had surgery in early December of 2014 to implant a magnet in the left side of her skull.  After a month of healing, she was fitted with the BAHA device.  It is a small transmitter that attaches to the outside of her head with a magnet.  It transmits all the sounds from her left side through the bone in her skull to her right ear.  It is not like regular hearing but it is better than hearing no sounds from the left side.  It's also blue tooth capable so she can stream music through her skull to her ear without headphones. 

Last year, we felt like we needed to make a change for Christmas so we spent a week in Orlando visiting Universal and Disney parks.  Great time for the four of us to connect and do something we had always wanted to do.  Santa even managed to bring stockings to our hotel. We even got to spend two days with our cousins Linda, Emily, and Benjamin at Epcot and Magic Kingdom.

butter beer at the Wizarding World of Harry Potter in Universal Studios

Masons and Lombardos at Epcot

As school started second semester, I continued my leave from teaching.  I'm so thankful to Sandy Wilson who taught the fall semester and Heidi Radtke who taught the spring semester.  My Mutant Ninja Frogs were in good hands.

 My students were in good hands last year.

During Rodeo Break, all four kids and I drove to California and picked up my new hot pick GTS300 Vespa.  She's got white ghost flames all over.  My friends said she was a Barbie scooter.  I disagree.  Do I look like a Barbie scooter kind of girl?  She's got flames!  She's a BA Barbie scooter....  So her name is BABS. 

Last year Karl and I planned to go to Hawaii for our 20th anniversary.  We purchased a trip through Hilton.  Since we couldn't go last summer because of India....and then we couldn't go in the fall because of chemo....we booked it for spring break.  I took the kids and went anyway.  We spent a week in Oahu.  Pearl Harbor, Polynesian Cultural Center, Dole Plantation, Diamondhead, Manoa Falls, surfing lessons and paddle boarding on the North Shore, and shaved ice....  It was hard. It was beautiful. 

The week after spring break in Hawaii, Hannah performed in the school musical Footloose.  She spent hours and hours rehearsing the songs and the dance moves.

In April Skylar was able to go to the prom with Hadley and her friends.  They all came to our house for pictures before going out for the night.  In April I also got my first ink.  Yes.  That kind of ink.  I had planned to get a tattoo when I turned 50 but it seemed silly to wait.  Kinnette was able to get Karl's hand, finger, and thumbprints after the accident.  When I saw the thumbs overlapping in a heart, I knew it had to be part of my ink.  I added the inscription from his wedding band:  My beloved, My friend...a verse from Song of Solomon.  The kids also each chose a color of a hibiscus. It's meaningful and beautiful.

the prom gang

Skylar and Jordan

first ink

School wrapped up for all three kids.  Andrea's parents returned for a grand graduation party for Skylar, Jordan, and Andrea.  Skylar was one of the senior class speakers at Ironwood Ridge.  Our local station covered her speech and it was picked up by several stations across the country.
Skylar's graduation speech news story

The full video of Skylar's graduation speech

We are thankful to our friend and professional photographer Amy O who took all of Skylar's senior pictures at our home this spring.

Within a day of graduating, Skylar and Hannah were on a plane to New York City.  Our friend Lynn showed them the New York life including all public transportation, bagels, cheesecake, Central Park, Times Square and several Broadway shows.  Our friend Tregoney who is currently performing in Wicked gave them backstage tours, introductions to the Phantom himself, and signed masks by the entire cast of Phantom.  The next day they saw Gigi and had a backstage tour there.  The girls were giddy. 

When they returned from New York we had one day to prepare for our family trip.  We started in Phoenix at the Comicon.  We went with Andrea's family and got to spend some time together.  She returned to Alabama with them and the kids and I loaded up Belle and Lucky, our toy hauler, and headed out.  We stopped in Holbrook, Santa Fe and Denver KOAs.  Everyone had a job to do as we set up camp, unloaded the motorcycle and scooter, and fixed dinner.  The next morning, we'd pack up and hit the road again, listening to audio books together.

We stopped n Rapid City, South Dakota to visit our friends, the O'Dells.  They graciously let us hook up next to their home.  Skylar and I roared into Sturgis, South Dakota on the motorcycle.  It was a bucket list ride for me.  Then later in the day, Goldie-my friend and partner in crime from Grand Canyon- and I explored the Black Hills.  We saw Mt. Rushmore and Crazy Horse.  The weather was perfect.  The hills were green and rolling.  The conversation was enveloping.  I even bought a new leather jacket in the same store I bought one for Kody when he was two. 

The kids and I reluctantly left the O'Dells and headed north.  We stopped overnight in Bismarck before turning east for Grand Forks.  We joined Kristi and Lee at the East Grand Forks State Park.  The kids stayed with Sandy and Earl and Uncle Mark.  We enjoyed several days at Maple Lake together.  We also celebrated Earl's 80th birthday with Mexican food and a cake commemorating Skylar's graduation, Earl and Meta birthdays, and the Nelsons anniversary.  Lots of writing on that cake. It was hard to be in a place Karl loved so much.  It was also good to be there.  We will always be connected to it. 

The whole family ventured to western North Dakota.  The Mason family has roots in a town west of Medora called Sentinel Butte.  In the rolling, grassy hills next to a train trestle, is a very small cemetery containing memorials to Karl's great grandparents, grandparents, and great uncle.  His parents picked out a flat stone that we placed at the foot of their raised stone.  Our family buried some of his ashes under his stone, drank root beer, and ate Widman's chippers.  I felt peaceful there.  By now it is covered in snow,  but will be green and wavy again next summer.  Thank God that spring always follows winter. 

Sandy, Earl, and Mark went back east to Grand Forks.  The kids and I caravanned with Kristi and Lee to Montana.  We spent a few days visiting them in Scobey and visiting Skylar's horse Aloha on the family farm.  We drove out to the hills where she lives in the truck.  As Skylar got out and called her name, Alli came right over.  She spent a long time with us getting carrots and snuggles.  She still deals with arthritis after she runs.  This is the perfect place for her.  She has miles of pasture with a creek.  She gets fed hay every winter.  Lee and his family love on her and take good care of her.  It was a hard decision to make but it worked out well for her. 

Leaving eastern Montana, we headed west to Glacier National Park.  We camped in a KOA on the west side.  I loved taking Babs on the Going to the Sun Road up to Logan's Pass.  The kids and I picked up our paddles and did some white water rafting down the Flathead River in the afternoon.  It was breathtakingly beautiful.  That evening we took the truck up the same road to see the sun set.  We got to Logan's Pass and couldn't see anything due to the low clouds.  Big Horn Sheep roamed the parking lot of the visitor's center.  We really wished we could spend more time hiking and exploring the area.  We will be back.

Next stop:  Spokane, Washington where we spent a few days with the Casady family.  Nancy made us a lovely Indian meal and we toured their mini farm.  Hannah took a tour of Whitworth University to see if it may be a fit for her in a few years. We ventured farther west to Portland, Oregon to visit the Walling family.  Berries.  BBQ.  Donuts. Playing with the boys.  Catching up with good friends.  Our next stop found us in Fresno, CA with the Ginthers.  Kristen and the kids made my birthday feel special.  We didn't get a long visit but left in the night to get the girls to LAX without facing LA traffic.  They flew home for youth group camp in Prescott while Kody and I headed south to San Diego.  He spent a week at Camp Fiesta Island with the Boy Scouts.  I had a few days to breathe.  We arrived home 5 weeks after we left in May.

Quick turn around and the girls and I went to Tennessee for our national youth group conference called CHIC.  He heard challenging speakers, great worship bands, hung out with our Blender group, and even got to go white water rafting again.  We also got to help out weeding the community garden that serves fresh food in Knoxville.  The kids and I also did a 5k to raise money for clean water wells for people who need them.

After CHIC, Skylar had another surgery to reattach her retina.  Scar tissue had caused the detachment. She had to lie face down for four days.  Melissa loaned us a massage table so it made it a little easier.  Within two weeks, Skylar was moving in to the dorm in downtown Phoenix and Hannah and Kody were starting school.  I had officially resigned at the end of the school year.  As the fall began, I began subbing for a few schools.

Kody is in 6th grade at Coronado.  He's taking honors classes, Odyssey of the Mind, and is actively involved with Boy Scouts.  He chose to be baptized this fall to show people he is a follower of Jesus.  Hannah is a junior at Ironwood Ridge.  She also has a full plate of hard classes.  She continues to show Hope in 4H and is in leadership with 4H and with the Blender youth group at church.  Skylar finished her first semester at Cronkite.  She has written  a few articles for the Arizona State Press student newspaper. We're thankful she has found a church close to campus and is attending a new small group.

Kody's baptism

Kody and Jackson start middle school

Moving in to the dorm in downtown Phoenix

Hannah enjoying the lake before she tackles
a challenging semester

Kody makes Tenderfoot rank in Scouts

Hannah, Kody, and Meta help build a house in Mexico

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Andrea and Skylar both came home a few weeks ago for Christmas.  Andrea chose to spend the break with our family and her Tucson friends and family.

Santa brings jammies on Christmas Eve

Santa visits the siblings...who was naughy and who was nice??? 

The cousins took a surprise portrait for Grandma Clydene and Papa Alvis

 Skylar had another surgery two weeks ago to laser the retina down again and to remove part of the retina that had developed a hole.  This time her doctor added a heavy silicone liquid on top of the oil he put in her eye in July.  The silicone liquid can only stay in for a few weeks so the surgery this morning was to remove the silicone.  She will have additional surgery next summer to remove the oil.  By that time, they will evaluate her need for cataract surgery and/or eyelid surgery.

It has been good for me to be at home more with Kody and Hannah.  I can also pick up Skylar at ASU for her doctor's appointments down here.  I've been able to reconnect with women's Bible Study at Grace again.  In January I started going to a group called Griefshare.  There were 9 of us who had lost a spouse in the last year.  Six of us have kept meeting regularly long after the class was over.  Now we call it Hopeshare.  We've been able to meet with other gals who are newer to the widow journey.  So instead of leading middle schoolers with youth group on Sunday nights, I meet with these gals to pray and encourage each other.  Talk about aNewseason God has put me in.  Never would have believed it if you had told me this two years ago.

This fall I have had time to put in a garden in the backyard...completely fenced with a picket gate to keep out the dogs...  Herbs, tomatoes, peppers, cilantro, snap peas, carrots, cilantro, carrots, lettuces.... About half of it did well.  I was able to make 3 batches of salsa with vegetables we grew ourselves.  There is something healing and positive about growing something and looking forward to it.  Per our plans for the house from before, we also added a rain water cistern to make better use of our water.  I can use it to water the garden and fill the pond.  Black Friday finally enticed me to go to a sale.  Buy One, Get One windows, doors, and vents at Tuff Shed.  Because of county permit issues it was better to get two smaller barns than one larger barn.  Dad and I then built a chicken run to connect the two barns.  Kody and I are building nesting boxes this week for a scout merit badge.

coming soon...chickens 

It's been good to get back to serving on the tech team for worship.  It's easier for me to be in church and run the sound or the media.  I've also gotten to play the cajon (drum box) a few times with the worship band.  Checking off the bucket list items, I started ukelele and bass guitar lessons this fall.  I bought a uke when we went to Hawaii for Spring Break.  The kids bought me a bass for Christmas.  I get to go pick it out this week.  Figured I wasn't getting any younger and I better start somewhere if I want to be able to lay down the groove with the worship band.

We're also fulfilling another wish of Karl's.  He has talked for years about coming alongside our friend Hank in his dream to start a brewery.  Catalina Brewing Company:  We bike.  We brew. Well six years later, it is really happening.   We are thrilled to be minority partners and look forward to opening next month.  We will have the first microbrewery in Marana just a block behind Bedroxx.   Who would have ever thought??  Look for more info about our grand openings coming soon.

picking paint colors

picking prickly pear for the La Rosa beer

This is way too much information for the typical Christmas letter.  But then I guess our life has been anything but typical.  Last year it was easier to travel everywhere than be home.  This year, it has been healing to complete projects we had always wanted to do.  It's easier to be busy building or doing projects than sitting idle.  Being home more has afforded me more time to be in the Word and attentive to God's leading.  It is not clear what direction He has next for me.  I'm open.  I want to be the best mom to our kids.  I want to work on being a better daughter, daughter in law, and sister.  I want to invest in the friendships that breathe life into me.  Wounds are still healing.  I can see it happening.  Each day the rawness is a little less.  The unbearable moments are a little less frequent.  I don't cry every single day.  But not a day goes by that I don't miss Karl's friendship, his encouragement, his hand in mine, the way his eyes wrinkle when he smiles, the way he yelled at the kids.... "time to Sing and Praaayyyy".... walking the dogs with him, sitting up on the fort watching the sunset hearing about his projects at work, riding our motorcycles and talking through the com system, asking for a back rub and him knowing just the spot....that doesn'[t include all the practical things he did that now I have to do around the house and the yard...with the cars....the finances.... parenting....  I don't like doing all this alone.  We made a really great team.  We brought out the very best in each other.  I feel like my best got buried and I'm trying to recover it...if that's even possible now.

Two months ago or so, I was asked to speak in church as part of the Love of a Lifetime series on marriage.  The last sermon in that series was called Til Death Do Us Part:  When marriages end in death or divorce.  It was very humbling to speak honestly about our marriage in a retrospect kind of way.  If you are interested, my part starts at the 32 minute mark of the sermon.  The whole sermon is worth listening to if you have the time.

Til Death Do Us Part -  go to 32 minute mark.


Last year I focused on the three words: perspective, gratitude, and trust.  They were my words for the last year and a half.  This week another word hit me.  So small yet so very meaningful.  A word of transition.  A word that moves from one hard place into a better place.  YET.  You see.... at night, our family has this tradition of sharing our favorite parts of the day, praying together, and then singing "The Steadfast Love of the Lord".  It's straight from Lamentations 3:22.  This week I chose to read all of Lamentations 3.  It's 20 verses of Suckville.  You know.  Everybody is against me.  Nothing is going right.  But then here is verse 21 nestled in just before verse 22.... "Yet one thing comes to mind and therefore I have HOPE"..... The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases. His mercies never come to an end.  They are new every morning.  Great is His faithfulness."  YET is the transition word from the crud to the hope.  It's there for all of us.  In the middle of whatever crud you are in....YET will I keep one thing in my mind to bring me hope....  I'm thinking this may be my word for the year for 2016.  YET...the transition word from crud to hope.    

As we take a few moments to reflect on where we've been and where we are going, we say thank you to all of you walking this road with us.  We couldn't do it without your love and support.  In a world where politics, world events, health, economics...nothing makes sense and nothing ever goes the way you think it should....we thank God that He is constant.  He is faithful.  He has a plan and a purpose for us even when we can't see it.  Yet will we trust Him.

From our hearts to yours in His name,

Meta, Skylar, Hannah, and Kody

Thoughts from the beach...

This weekend I gathered with about 70 other widow sisters on the shores of South Carolina.  We came from all over the country.  Many of us fresh and others further along, but all on the same path.  We shared stories, tears, and laughter.  Only with a group of kindred sisters can you laugh at things others find inappropriate or uncomfortable.... and it's ok.  I'd like to say we laughed til we cried but that's not right. We laughed til we peed.  And then we cried.  Hazards of gathering with my new sisters... We laugh at jokes even if they're only a widow bit funny....  We needed to tell our stories. We needed to hear others tell theirs.  We are not alone in this. 

We also met with God.  He met us in the tears. He met us in worship.  He tenderly cupped our faces and reminded us that He knows our pain and is right in the midst with us. We can rail. We can ask questions and shake our fists and it is ok. He is still here.

sunrise over the Atlantic

Way back when Karl and I were dating I was preparing to go to the Philippines for a year- planned before we met.   As I got cold feet in the weeks before I was to leave, Karl insisted I go because God had a plan for me there. He would wait for me. Until then, whenever we saw the moon, we would look up and think of the other. No matter how far apart we were, we would both be looking at the same moon. When I got home and for the next twenty years, whenever we would see the moon one of us would say, "Look at the moon" and then we'd share a kiss.  The last few months I can't even look at it for my heart breaks.

Saturday night in worship, we were reminded of what heaven is like and what our husbands are doing there - worshipping and looking at the face of Jesus.  As I lifted my face singing "I exalt thee O Lord", my heart felt full. I could see the face of Jesus too.  It took my breath.  No matter how far apart we are, we are both looking at the same Son.  I grabbed this thought like a precious gift meant just for me.  The moon won't hold pain or tears for me now. When I'm missing Karl, I can say "Look at the Son, honey." My eyes will be on Him too.

our glassy beach (photo by Kim Marsh)

I sat on the beach yesterday with my Bible, devotional, and journal. I had stuck the bookmark we got in our welcome bag randomly in my journal.  As I prayed and reflected I read back through some entries.  July 5- not even 4 months ago.  I was sitting on the beach in Rocky Point, Mexico just 3 days before Karl's first chemo treatment. Here is the last paragraph I wrote that day.

"Help me to do and be what You have planned for me- even during this season. Don't let it be a barren dry season.  May we grow in You and point others to new faith- renewed faith in You.  Keep me from complaining, discouragement, fear, and drama."

Wow.  So much has changed. And not changed.  This is my prayer on this beach.... at a stinking conference for widows for crying out loud.  And here's the kicker.  The conference is sponsored by aNew Season Ministries.  It's on my bookmark on the very page as I reaffirm and rewrite this prayer.  I am in a new season.  It's even different from the season I was in just 3 and a half months ago.  Will it be a growing season?  I hope so.  My prayer is the same.  Hear my prayers Lord.  Fulfill your dreams for me and the kids. May we honor Karl by flourishing and growing in this new season.  We want to be better, not bitter.  

Things I took away from this week.....

Loved spending time with Laura and Linda, my cousins before the conference. 

Change of scenery is healing...trees, leaves, rivers with water... all make my heart feel peaceful.

Laughter and shared experiences count for everything.

You think things are tough til you hear someone else's story.
Forgiving people and trusting God in the middle of the crud can actually happen and it doesn't mean I'm in denial of things, (Thanks Sheryl.)

What is shared around the dinner table will stay at the table.  My memories I can take with me!

I'm not the only one who has bladder driveway syndrome.  There is hope.  

Other woman have done this and so can I.  Just not alone.  We need each other.

God brought a few gals to this conference  just to touch my heart.   Who knew that a ride in an elevator, a shared meal, or a moment on the beach would mean so much?

Thankful for my widow sisterchicks.  

My friend and fellow Painted Sky teacher Jill lost Steve 11 days after Karl.  We're on this road together.

And the kids....

While I was away, Skylar was able to join the newspaper staff at the National Journalism Conference in Washington DC. She had signed up and sent in the security clearances this summer.  After the accident we just never imagined she would be able to go.  God is good.  Her recovery has been miraculous in so many ways.  One of the parent chaperones is a school nurse and could help with the eye medications she needs several times a day.  The kids got to hear Bob Woodward, attend seminars, visit the White House, Capitol, and a Smithsonian museum.  I'm so thankful that she got to go.

Hannah and Kody stayed with multiple friends.  I'm so appreciative of the "village" that helps raise my kids.  It helps that Hannah got her driver's license on Monday just in time to drive all over Oro Valley this week. One morning Hannah arrived back at home to feed the dogs before school and was greeted by a 3 month old black lab/border collie puppy.  She had no tags and no micro chip, She also would have had to have walked a really long way to get to our home and had no scratches and no stickers. Hannah contacted all the neighbors, a nearby kennel, the Humane Society, and animal control.  No one is looking for her.  She put up multiple signs all over our area.  Not one single call.  The neighbors all think she was dumped in the desert.  I kept telling the kids not to get attached.  Her family would be looking for her.  The kids would send me pictures and videos of the puppy with our dogs.  My new conference friends laughed and wished me luck with the new dog. I laughed and disagreed......We do not need another dog.  We already have three that take a lot of work. Then I got home.  She is really cute.  Watching the kids and the dogs makes me smile.  I caved.  Our free dog that we ARE SURELY NOT keeping now has a collar, toys, and food.  She also has a tag...Genie Grace.  Genie because she appeared out of nowhere out here in the desert.  Grace because she is an unmerited and unasked for gift from God...born about 3 months ago. I have a strong feeling Karl picked her out for us.  That would be just like him.

With perspective, gratitude, and trust still on our hearts......We will keep looking up.    

Grace and Hope

We haven't updated in a while and people have been asking how things are going now that we've been home the last month or so.  We're here and we're trying to move forward with grace and hope.  There is no manual on how to go through  what we've faced the last ten weeks.  We're making it up as we go along relying on the things we know to be true, even when it doesn't feel like it.  Some days are hard. Some days are even harder.  Nothing is easy or natural.

Today we got a check in the mail for our plane tickets to India.  Many of you followed that saga on our blog post back in May. Would we get our money back?  Not?  Oh...I was trying so hard to keep perspective back then..... I thought I would feel relieved when this day finally came.  Instead I find myself teary and feel sad for no logical reason.  Maybe it's because the chapter of our epic summer abroad is over.  Instead, we got a whole mess of crud we didn't want.  Everything we thought we would have gotten to experience together as a family got flipped upside down.

So many of you joined us for Karl's service...about 900 in fact.  We knew Labor Day would be hard for some to make it. The service is still online if you would like to see it.  The day was exactly what we wanted it to be. We wanted God and Karl to be honored. It was truly a celebration of the most humble, kind, generous man. It was filled with laughter, worship, memories, chocolate and root beer.  He would have been embarrassed but he would have loved it.

The support we are experiencing is indescribable.  Meals four days a week, cards and letters, fundraisers from Burger King Oro Valley, youth groups, and Scouts.  People are reaching out to care for us in real and personal ways... I feel like each act of kindness deserves adequate recognition and thanks.  Please know how much they mean to us.  We pray we are worthy of your love and attention. We pray that what you are pouring into us, we can also pour into others around us.  We are also thankful to our new friend Simone at KGUN9.  She has done three stories on our family.  Here they are if you would like to see them.

The prayer vigil the day after the accident

Skylar's Recovery

Karl's Service

Skylar is recovering. She had surgery again on September 11 to put plates and pins in her collarbone.  It's now much better than it was.

before

after

She continues to see multiple eye specialists. Her retina has completely reattached itself in all areas. The doctors have no explanation.  Unfortunately she had damage to her optic nerve and the third nerve. We have to wait at least six months to see how much they recover. The optic nerve has to miraculously get better for her to have any kind of useful vision.  Right now she can make out the big E but it is dark.  Because the third nerve is affected, her pupil is off center which causes phantom vision.  It is disconcerting to see two of everything.  Because of the facial nerve paralysis, Skylar could not close her eye or move anything on the left.  Now she can close her eye about 95% of the way. Until she can close it 100% we have to keep it moist by applying erythromycin six times a day and keeping it taped shut. She will probably have two surgeries in January -first on the muscle and then on the eyelid.  She is hoping to get it looking cosmetically like a normal eye and also hoping there is some function to it.  This is all miraculous since the surgeon told us he never expected her to see out of it again.  Pray with us for both of these things- function and appearance.  

Skylar has gone back to school this week to visit her classes and friends. She is officially on Homebound status and her journalism teacher comes to the house to tutor her in AP Lit, Economics, and Journalism. She was cleared to read only two weeks ago.  We will see how the recovery is going as we determine when she will return to campus full time.

Hannah is doing well with her modified schedule. She is on hand when Skylar has PT and Speech therapies at home in the afternoons.  She turned 16 on September 8th. Our dear friends threw her a surprise party that weekend. We also had dinner at mom and dads. It was a bittersweet celebration.  She is excited to get her license in the next month or so.

all the cousins help Hannah celebrate

Kody is enjoying 5th grade.  He also began his last year of Cub Scouts. This is difficult since Karl was his den leader for the last four years. We're thankful for Roger and Eric who have taken the den. We will continue on for the Arrow of Light in the spring.  This year I got to help Kody make his boat for the Raingutter Regatta. We're making plans for the Weblo camp out at the end of the month.

Learning to use a sander to make the boat

Kody, Landen, and Hayden or Huey, Dewey, and Louie as Papa calls them

Kody and his buddy Jackson

Kody's dog, Bandit, had two big medical issues this month.  A few weeks ago he licked a briar out of his fur called a foxtail.  These are nasty little stickers that get stuck in your socks when you live in the desert.  The foxtail burred into his throat and then abscessed out the front of his neck.  The abscess at first looked like a rattlesnake bite.  Doc Baker was able to remove it so he could recover before the next surgery.  Right before the accident we found out Bandit had a large tumor that needed to come off his tail.  Last week Doc Baker performed a tailectomy on our guy.  Bandit was on the same pain meds as Skylar for several days!   He is excited to get the fancy cone of shame off tomorrow when they remove his sutures.  

Bandit's Fancy Cone of Shame

Since we've been home I've been juggling the many new tasks before us: financial paperwork, legal paperwork, doctor visits, therapist visits, medical and insurance switchovers... So many things totally out of my comfort zone.  Most days my brain and my heart are wiped.  

Last week was the worst. I felt I was in a dark hole with no hope.  I cried out to God begging for a sign that we would all find joy and hope soon.  That very day I found an online group of Jesus-loving widows. They're on the same journey trusting God for a path they didn't choose.  I am excited to connect with them at a retreat in November.  A glimmer of hope.....The next day my friend Kelli gave me a Willow Tree figurine called Angel of Hope. How like our God to give me something so tangible to let me know He hears me when I cry!

Then yesterday I nearly lost it in Sprouts and Walmart.  Everything I saw was a trigger-something I knew I should get for Karl.  I got to the register and couldn't find my debit card. By the time I got home I was losing it. I brought groceries in and my fridge and freezer were warm. As in..melted ice cream and water filled ice bucket... I cried. And then I called mom and dad. As soon as they got there Dad fixed the fridge and Hannah found my debit card. In the middle of all of it, my friend Lil texted and asked how I was.  I ranted back to her and told her I needed grace to get through the day.  This morning Lil texted and asked if Grace showed up. Today was a much better day and we had dinner with friends. Dee gave me a Willow Tree figurine called Healing Grace.  Hmmm... Grace did show up.  Now I have Hope and Grace on my kitchen counter....they're also working their way into my heart.

Grace and Hope

On the way to Karl's service, the kids and I decided we are going to Disneyland for fall break. Nothing like the Magic Kingdom with good friends to help us move forward. Our friends are also facing tough, tough battles as they prepare for chemo. Mark's cancer battle mirrors the battle Karl only just started this summer. Same tests, same docs, same treatments.  We will walk alongside the Flemings with a little experience and we will repeat together the words from Habakuk 3:  even when there are no figs on the trees and no grapes on the vine- yet will we praise Him.  We may not have figs or grapes..... but we do have Grace and Hope.

And now... a post from Skylar

Hey, everyone!

Miss Cindy rode ABC over to the house for Skylar to love on this week.  Best therapy ever.
 She can't wait to get back in the saddle again.... Baby steps.

It's Skylar and I'm hanging in there. Honestly my recovery has been incredible so far—and coming home made life way better. Without nurses giving me shots, checking my IV, feeding me disgusting pills crushed into applesauce, and poking and prodding me every two and a half seconds, it's significantly easier to heal. Mom and Hannah were so knowledgeable about my healing when we got home they took over as my nurses effortlessly. I get some pretty strong painkillers every few hours, and now I'm not in any pain at all, which is a huge blessing.

So right now I have a broken and mostly-blind left eye, I'm permanently deaf in my left ear, I have too many skull fractures to count, the entire left side of my face is paralyzed, my left arm is in a sling (so I remember not to use it while my collarbone heals), my jaw was reset and is healing slowly, my nose is healing after being broken, and my left shoulder has been messed up too. I'm kind of a wreck, but a lot of it will just take time to heal :) I also have a lot of bruises and stitches, and I'm getting used to walking and balancing again after spending so much time immobilized. Every day I feel stronger, though, and I'm slowly adapting to these challenges. I can still see and hear from the right side, and I'm insanely grateful for that.

Since we've been home, recovery has been slow but steady. I gained part of my appetite back, and now I can eat small snacks every day to supplement my energy drinks. Working with my physical therapist has helped me with balance, and now I can get around the house without a problem. I can do almost everything by myself—an occupational therapist came to visit yesterday and left early because there wasn't really anything I needed her help with :P I spend a lot of time napping, because A) sleep is great for healing, and B) napping has always been one of my favorite things to do anyway. I'll start doing schoolwork from home soon, but for now I'm still regaining my old energy (and who wants to do weeks of economics and literature homework when you can watch TV and drink milkshakes instead?).

I am so, so grateful for the crazy support we've been given in the past month. It's been painful and heartbreaking and frustrating and tragic, but the way that people have come around us has been astounding. The people who came to the hospital all the time just to sit in the waiting room and support me mean the world to me. And the prayers you all are praying have made an incredible difference. You all prayed for my eye pressure and brain fluids to stabilize radically after the accident, and they did. You've prayed for me to not remember the accident and the horrible early-hospital days, and I don't. You prayed for me to retain my regular memory, brain function, and personality, and I did. I feel so incredibly lucky for all of those things—and God's work in this mess is far from over. In that statement I'm confident.

I'm gaining vision back into my cripplingly broken left eye, which is a miracle and an answer to a ton of prayers. The retina reattached itself in all four corners without any surgery—an inexplicable and amazing thing. My eye doctor was so shocked last week when we went in for a checkup that he scheduled another appointment this week—he wants to do another evaluation with the surgeon who did the original surgery on the night of the accident, so that the first guy can explain what detachment he was seeing. My left eye vision is dark, blurry, and weirdly warped, but I can vaguely make out shapes, letters, and people from several feet away. As the swelling in my head goes down over time, it's possible that my vision could continue to improve on its own. We don't know if it will (or if it does, how much better it will get) but this is an incredible phenomenon and I am so thrilled.
My physical therapist is also encouraged by my progress in the past week- he thinks that I'll be able to get my mouth working normally again and get back to my original physical ability because I'm so motivated. I'm sick of my awkward half-smiles and I will do as many ridiculous facial exercises as I need to get better.

Please continue to pray for my recovery—I've come a long way, but I still have a crazy long way to go. I'm gaining strength, working with therapists, meeting with doctors, and slowly healing. This will take a lot of time. My mom, sister, brother and I don't understand why God let this happen or what the future will look like, but even though we're broken because of this tragedy, we have no choice but to trust in Him.

Specifically, if you could pray for the continued improvement in my left eye (and wisdom as we meet with the two eye specialists on Wednesday), the healing of my nose and jaw, progress with my therapists and specialists, and coping with our devastating loss, I would be super grateful. I also have a never-ending high-pitched ringing in my left ear that's a result of the deafening surgery, and there's no telling if or when it will ever stop. Your prayers have done so much, and if you could pray for it to go away, I give you my thanks.(Also, if you could pray that I heal quickly enough to get back to riding horses and ziplining as quickly as possible, that would be awesome. Those are two of my favorite things and I'm anxious to get back to my hobbies!)

Thank you all for the prayers, well-wishes, kind messages, food you've brought, hours spent in the hospital waiting room, loving cards, gifts, and everything else. You all have blessed our family and shown us such love in what has undoubtedly been the worst period in all of our lives. We appreciate you all so much!

We as a family are so grateful also to Grace for providing us this website to post updates, and Charlie for maintaining it so well. However, now that we're home and I'm stable, we'll be posting future updates on our family blog, Mason Adventures. So please check there after this.
Thank you all again—we appreciate you so much!

Skylar Mason

No catchy title... Just us....

To all our friends who are reading this... We've decided to move our blog back over to our family blog.  Charlie, Chris, and Pastor Dave have done an incredible job of recording Skylar and our family's progress. So many of you have expressed thanks that you can keep up with what is going on from far away.  When these three weren't at the hospital, they were taking my random emails and adding them to the church website. If you get a chance, please thank them.   So I guess we will link one to the other.

Skylar is also posting here so stay tuned for a post specifically from her.  She wanted to update you on her own physical progress from her own perspective.  

These are some of my own random thoughts that have not much to do with her physical progress... Just what's in my head as I spend nights giving meds, days making appointments and filling out paperwork. Meeting therapists.  Long hours at vital records and Social Security.  Juggling kids. House. Bills.  Making time to just be with my kids. And missing my husband.  This is the hard part as all four of us face all of this stuff differently....

We were facing different kinds of trials earlier this summer... Wow. Who knew?  I guess I'm glad I didn't know.  Would I have done things differently? Maybe.  Would I have lived with more fear?  Yes.  The thing is.... I don't have any huge regrets when it comes to my family.  To Karl. Every day we said what we needed to say.  We took trips together as a couple and together as a family.  A long time ago we saw our neighbors save every thing and every dime for retirement. Right after Glen retired he got sick and they couldn't do what they had waited their whole lives to do.  Early on in our marriage Karl and I decided we would find a healthy balance of "live for now like there is no tomorrow" and "prudently plan for the future".  

We did it well.  So well that my heart is broken. My best friend. My confidant. Lover. Biggest fan.  The voice on the other end of my helmet comm. My parenting partner.  The man I dreamed with.  My Uyab.

When we were in Mexico last month I had an epiphany.  I figured out why we clicked.  Stereotypes never mattered to either of us.  He was the first one I ever dated that found my idiosyncrasies endearing.  He didn't care that I was a bit loud and obnoxious.  He never complained that I prefer t shirts and jeans and Converse to heels and miniskirts.  I realized this as I ordered a lbeer and hushed Karl and the kids during the World Cup and he ordered the strawberry margarita and patiently waited until we could leave at half time.  I love motor sports and arena football.  He'd rather go to a concert or have a quiet evening at home.  And it was all ok with both of us.  Neither one of us was threatened.  He found me feminine and attractive no matter my weight or clothing. He never once asked why I didn't girly girl up.  Oh how I pray that same kind of unconditional-nonstereotypical-love for my kids. May they find that same kind of love when it's time.  I know they got a good look at what a love like that looks like.  I pray we showed them what true God given love looks like.  That it's worth waiting for.  

These days are getting harder... The realization of the permanence of life without him is starting to set in.  I'm trying to be thankful that we had more good days than some people have in a lifetime.  I'm just selfish enough to wish they'd gone on a little longer.  

We bit the bullet and went to Blender last night.  That's where we were headed to four weeks ago. It was hard but we also needed to be around our people who love Karl and us.  It was difficult to be in such a "normal routine" of our lives yet know that there was nothing normal about it. As Michelle and I washed dishes, we talked about Job.  About fear.  About bad things happening all around us to those we love.   It's scary. There are no guarantees.  Accidents happen. People get sick and don't get better.  Diagnoses come out crappy.  Michelle reminded me that we can't live in fear all the time.  Right now I do feel fearful. What if I fail my kids? What if I can't do the widow mom thing and they come out warped? What if something now happens to me?  Or one of them?  What if I don't know how to do life without my soulmate?  

What do I have to stand on?  Perfect love casts out fear.  How many times does God tell me not to be afraid.  The ones that I clung to  hard this summer were in Isaiah 41.  In both verse 10 and in verse 13.  One verse says He is holding me with his righteous right hand.  In the other verse he is holding my right hand. yeah...my broken right hand that can't grip anything on its own.   In order to do both, God has to be beside me and in front of me.  In true Mason form, when I hear verses, undoubtedly a VBS song will follow.  This time it's from Crocodile Dock in 2009.  "I will not be afraid. Though troubles out there, night and day. I will not be swamped with fear cuz God is always, always, always here."  Pray that each new dawn will show me that I can still breathe. That He is giving us what we need one moment at a time.  That I don't need to fear what is ahead.  That I can trust that in time I will see how the puzzle fits together in His glorious unfolding.  

The Accident and the Next Month.... a link to the Grace website

May 16th was a bad day.  That's the day the docs discovered colon cancer.  The day we cancelled our trip to India.  What a difference 2 months can make.  July 20.  I wish with every bone in my body we could go back and find that was what our future would be.  Some surgery.... some chemo....  I'd gladly sacrifice the trip and  pay one hundred times the amount of those flights.....  So maybe now I know why God gave me those three words back then.  Perspective.  Gratitude.  Trust.  Perspective to change how we view things.  Gratitude for each day and each person we love.  Trust... that's the hard one now.  Trust that our God sees the picture on the front of the puzzle box.  Sees how this all fits together somehow for His glorious unfolding.  Cuz frankly right now I don't see it.  I don't like it and I don't want it.  I'd like a different picture please.

I' thought I'd post a link to the church website here jfor the times we need to go back and see how some of the pieces fit together.  We could maybe take a glimpse at how we have been carried this last month.  It's been a haze.  Skylar and Kody will need a little help remembering.  I don't think Hannah and I will because we were smack dab in the middle of it.  Unfortunately we were conscious and present for most of it.  

Link to the Grace Website Updates

My New Job: The Life Alert Spokeslady

A week ago today Karl was sitting in the recliner getting chemo drugs.  He came home with a handy dandy little pump that continued to give him the drugs for another 48 hours.  Every few minutes it would give a little hmph sound and deliver the welcomed poison to his system. 2 ml an hour.  He decided the pump needed a name and settled on Hal. We did need to figure out how to silence Hal in the night.  We wrapped him in a big fat towel and put him on the headboard.  Hal also got his very own ziplock back and patio table right outside the shower.  We went back to the center on Thursday and Hal came off.  Karl got his mega buck booster and away we went.

Side effects were definitely present but manageable.  Nausea, fatigue, loss of appetite, headache.  Pills and extra sleep seemed to help.  Eugene sent a cool little electro shock watch band that seemed to help also.  All in all, things were ok.  Karl continues to handle all of this with calm patience.  Maybe it's his new look.  He's working on a full beard.  A distinguished beard.  We will see if it comes in fully or if he will always have that "almost a full beard" look.

Karl went back to work on Monday (yesterday) and managed a full day.  He was tired by about 3:00 and home by 4:30.  Not too bad.   Today he worked half a day and went back to the doc for some blood work.  His white cell count is out of this world.  That's good.  It means he can fight hard next week when we start this all again.

So here comes the part that I didn't want to write about.  Karl said I had to or he would revoke the privilege of sharing his medical issues with the world. I was lifting the lawn mower into the truck last week and did something to my back.  At the time, I didn't think much about it.  Just a quick little, "maybe I should not have done that" thought but not much else.  The next day I simply bent over to pick up an umbrella under the fort and wham... my back screamed and grabbed.  A few ibuprofen and I went on with my day.  Yardwork, dinner with friends, all was well.  Saturday morning I went to pick up the laundry and wham bam.... I'm on the floor.  Don't know what I pulled or what happened.  Since then, it has been a slow process of getting up and down out of  the chair, heating pads, icey hot pads, and really good pain relieving drugs.  Sleeping in the chair is better than the bed.  Karl had to help me up Saturday night and we were a sorry pair.  I was leaning in to him trying to stand and his tummy was doing the nausea tango.  We had to laugh.  But then again, that is how the Maynard family deals with pain.  We laugh.  The more it hurts, the more we giggle.  People don't know what to think.  

By Sunday night I was ok enough for Karl and Hannah to go to youth group.  Skylar left to go pick up Kody.  I used the rolling chair to help stand up to go to the bathroom.  Long story longer.... the chair slipped and tipped over and down I went.  I tried to prop myself up enough to stand up but it didn't work.  I had to stay down on the ground until Skylar got home.  She walked through the door and immediately asked........ "Are you exercising?"   Which made me laugh.  Which made me hurt. Which made me laugh more.  Needless to say there wasn't anything she could do except bring me a happy pill and wait with me on the floor for 20 minutes until I was in a state where she and Kody could lift me to my feet.  This was the one time in life I really could have used a life alert button.

Things are better now.  My injury sister Cindy happened to have a walker that Karl and Hannah brought home.  Yes, that helps me get up to use the facilities.  I'm able to take short walks around without out it now.  Hopefully a few more days of quality time with my Stargate Atlantis family will work wonders for my healing.  It stinks.  I've had to actually cancel meals out with friends and an epic 48 hour motorcycle adventure I had planned.

On yet one more note that I can't even believe..... The dogs needed kennel cough shots and rabies shots to renew their licenses.  Karl and Hannah took them in on Friday.  In a ROUTINE visit, Doc Baker checked Bandit's temp and found a large tumor on his tail near his backside.  He biopsied the tumor and we found out today it is cancer.  Fortunately it is the kind of cancer that doesn't spread easily.  Unfortunately, it will need to come off along with his tail.  We're sad.  We're mad at this dumb cancer.  Again.  Really?  He is scheduled for surgery in the next few weeks.  We pray he has clean margins.

This is really getting comical.  I'd like to say I have some more witty mixed metaphors but I really don't.  Yeah.  Bikes.  No cholla.  Hope.  Whoosh.  Help! I've fallen and I can't get up.  Daily grace.  More please.    We had no idea two months ago on May 15 where we would be now.  We thought we'd be in India.  We were supposed to come home on July 16th. That's tomorrow.   A lot has happened.  Or should I say A lot has not happened.  At least the way we thought it would.

We have spent more time together as a family than we ever would have if things had gone differently.  We laugh that our days are scheduled like old people.  We plan them around a doctor's visit. Add in a few errands, lunch, home for a nap and an early dinner.  Really?  And we spend so much time together we end up eating in silence because we've talked everything out already throughout the day.  We decided when all this is over we will maintain different hobbies so we really don't end up like the silent couple sitting in the Golden Corral.  We want to share and laugh and discuss.

I also know that we're not the only family dealing with really weird and really hard stuff.  Many friends are going through really weird medical  and life stuff.  This is where I'm finding perspective, gratitude and trust.  When I look around me....Heart issues in your 40's.  Strokes in your 30's.  Serious infections that have no explanation.  Parents with terminal illnesses.   Job issues.  Moving when you don't want to move.  Divorces.  Custody battles.  Life is hard.  I see that our crud could be a lot harder than it is now.

I don't have any pat answers.  I won't quote Romans 8:28.  You know.  The one about all things working together for good.  I hate to admit that sometimes I want to punch people in the throat when they quote that verse in a flippant manner and make what we're going through seem routine or trite.  I don't dislike the verse....just people using it to say everything will have a happy ending.  Sometimes we don't see the happy ending.  Sometimes circumstances stink. Period.  But that doesn't mean that God has dissed us.  Instead, I will repeat what I know to be true.  God loves me.  He has a plan for me.  I have no idea how all this will work out.   I do know that He is faithful and will provide all we need to get through this.  How do I know that?  Because He has always done so in the past, I can count on Him now.  I have found His Word to be true in every situation we've faced so I have no reason to doubt it now.  When all is said and done, I will know Him more and He will be lifted up.  In the midst of all of this, I will cry out, "Jesus Help!  I've fallen and I can't get up!"  He will respond.  

Kickin' Cancer Jedi Style

Karl starts chemo today.  He's sitting in the recliner getting quite the cocktail of drugs.  We're quickly learning a whole new vocabulary and new routines.  The kids and I are wearing our Team Mason shirts.  Karl has to wear a button down so they can access his port under his right clavicle.  Karl is wearing his Golden Lightsaber pin that Kody gave him.  Kody traded a LOT of hot pin sets at the OM World Finals to acquire this one pin for Karl.  It contains a Force we understand!  Hmmm.... I wonder if the nurses can add several thousand midichlorian to Karl's infusion?? It sure couldn't hurt.   Kicking Cancer Jedi Style!

 

So the kids can't come back to the infusion room because they're under 18.  They brought Sonic for lunch and were able to FaceTime Karl from the lobby.  He could show them around via his iPad.  Gotta love technology.  And Sonic delivery.

Karl will be here every other Tuesday for 5 hours or so.  He will wear a pump home that will deliver meds til Thursday.  They will take it off on Thursday and administer a mega immunity booster shot that is so special they want five digits for it.... Yes. Five digits.  We will hit our family yearly  insurance maximum in one shot! Who knew?  Thank You Lord for insurance.  Karl wants to name his computerized pump.  I told him he can't give it a girl's name.  He named it Hal.  I guess that works.  It is delivering poison bent on destroying cells.  In the end, the pump will come off and Karl will win.  The computer will lose.  

Our dear friends Ross and Amanda offered us the use of their family beach home in Rocky Point and we spent last week there.  A whole week of no wifi or phones.  We read books, played a hundred games of Settlers of Catan, watched two seasons of Stargate Atlantis, snorkeled in Cholla Bay, lounged in the water, ate fish tacos, and enjoyed a few cervezas.  It was a magical week where we unplugged from every concern from the past two months.  Long leisurely quiet times with a cup of tea, my Bible, my journal, and a rising sun over the Sea of Cortez.  

We've been so overwhelmed with all the acts of love we have received from all our loved ones.  Meals, cards, messages, visits, packages.  Our friend Eeke made us matching shirts after reading our last blog entry.  We proudly sport them to our doc visits.  Karl and I wore them when he got the port at TMC.  People stopped to read them but I'm sure they made no sense to anyone in the oncology center.  

Karl probably won't lose all his hair but it may thin a bit.  Eugene sent Karl a lovely camo visor with it's own shock of crazy hair.  Can't wait for him to wear that to treatment. He was a little self conscious to wear it today.  

My friend Lucy reminds me of the hope we have because of Christ.  She says true hope is a white hot expectation.. Not just wishful thinking.  Hope that all of this, no matter how yucky it feels like now, will result in drawing us to a more intimate relationship with our Creator.  Hope that we will have all we need to get through this.  Today that's what I thought of when I saw Karl's light saber.  It is white hot.  Take a look at it and see if you agree.  Can you hear the whir of Hope as Karl wields  it?   

To more complicate the mental metaphors we've created.....  We will continue to ride this trail with perspective, gratitude, and trust.  We will keep our eyes up and off the cholla.  And as we ride, we will also swing the light saber of Hope.  Now that is a mental picture that oughta frighten off any mean ole cancer cooties.